Cast:

Moderator - James

Pine - Brian

Maple - JB

Mahogany - Caleb

Dwarf - Micah

Moderator: Greetings, ladies and gentlemen! I'm sure you know why you are here. No you do not! You are here to watch the battle of the century! You are here to watch: Mortal Kombat: Live Debate! Tonight's topic of carnage: Trees vs. Dwarves! Tonight's warriors:

As each contestant is announced, they do a fighting intro move, like the Mega-man bosses.

Moderator: Mahogany! (Bureau construction material of kings). Maple! (Computer algebra system, loved and feared by all). Pine! (Big, dumb evergreen). On the opposing team, going solo for the first time, it's Brock: Dwarven warrior from Moria! Are you ready to rumble? Three! Two! One! Also one! Fight!

Pine: Gentlemen. The topic at hand tonight is this pudgy little ill-seeming ruffian in our midststst.

Brock: Objection! 'Tis a mighty fine state of affairs to be referred to as pudgy in the opening statement.

Moderator: Denied!

Maple: It does have a point. I, for one, can see the forest for the trees. We must cast aside such childish activities as name calling and peacefully determine our differences.

Brock: True! (Stage whisper to audience) This way, I can backstab them later!

Pine: Three trees to one dwarf? That's not very fair, now is it? The opposition is a bit short.

Brock: It is a representative sampling. You never see forests of Dwarves, do you?

Maple: Thank God no...

Trees mumble in agreement

Pine: cough Mr. Brock,

Brock: Aye, "axe" me anything.

Mahogany: Please diplomatically state your opinion about trees.

Brock: Trees? Brutes! A couple thousand pounds of pure, evil, rotten force. Rotten to the core, they are. The only good tree is a dead tree!

Moderator: Lost the lead... Lost the lead... Lost the lead... Lost the lead...

Pine smacks the moderator with a skilfully thrown pinecone

Moderator: Tied the leader...

Maple: Oak-kay... But wait, what of the trees that are not rotten? Those which are pure of heart?

Brock: They all rot eventually. Take 'em down before they get the chance, I say. If a tree kills a Dwarven warrior in the forest, does it make a sound?

Mahogany: Of course not! We're far too sneaky. And besides, we only kill to avoid becoming board!

Brock: Ha! You admit it! Rotten to the core! Burn them all!

Maple: Why the heck is that dwarf even here? His temper is too excitable and his views are too extreme for rational debate. Maybe... maybe he represents some sort of imagery or something. This is drama, after all.

Pine: I think he represents the liberal media, forcing their evil spin upon us all.

Mahogany: No, no. He represents the over-biased conservatives whose old fashioned stone-age ways and and fear of science will doom us all to the heat-death of the universe due to global warming produced by burning trees.

Brock: Imagery? Heat-death? You're all insane. Insane, I say!

Pine: Insanity? You're one to complain; you're talking to trees! Didn't think of that, did you? "Ooh, look at me! I'm talking to trees! Lovely weather, eh eucalyptus?"

Brock: That's not an argument! And besides, you're talking RIGHT NOW!

Pine: See? Insane.

Maple: Obviously.

Moderator: Random interjection!

Mahogany: Let us refer back to history. What of the armies of Dwarves, destroying countless acres of precious redwoods?

Brock: Preventive maintenance! Giants they were. Shady, if ye know what I mean.

Mahogany: What? Trees are a vital part of the ecosystem! Take Pine over there as an example. He produces oxygen, covers cars in pollen, and is home to a family of birds, a dyslexic squirrel, and...

Maple: ...Roughly 2,348,000 ants. Plus or minus three decimal two thousand.

Pine: WHAT! Get it off! Get it off!

Pine flails around in a stiff tree-like manner

Maple: I like decimals.

Mahogany smacks Pine

Mahogany: Maple, what can you derive from this Dwarf's statements?

Maple: With respect to x? Syntax error. Wrong number (or type) of parameters in function.

Mahogany: What? That doesn't make any sense!

Maple: That's what I said.

Mahogany: Whatever. This all boils down to Dwarves preying upon the innocent trees!

Brock: The hordes of trees!

Maple: If they ever were hordes, they aren't any more thanks to you! This very stage is made of my fallen kin! The blood of my family is on your pancakes!

Maple starts beating Brock down

Brock: Help, help! I'm being depressed.

Moderator: Unnecessary violence... Instant replay!

Maple starts pushing Brock down in slow mo

Brock: Help, help! I'm being depressed... again!

Pine: SHUT UP! No more python references! Break it up! This is a debate! Argument from resin and such.

Mahogany: Exactly. Now then... With the decline of the trees has come the rise of the great Dwarven empire and their ludicrous furniture monopoly.

Pine: We're not discussing economic theory. You're missing the point! This entire thing is all a personal vendetta this bearded brute has against trees like me!

Brock: No!

Maple: You made my great aunt into a table!

Brock: Self defense!

Pine: My father into a data structure!

Brock: The assignment was due at midnight!

Mahogany: My third cousin twice removed into an armoire

Brock: The room needed a focal point!

Moderator: Running Riot!

Brock: If you don't stop talking, I'll cut your whole grove down!

Pine: What, with a herring? It can't be done! Besides, that's a logical fallacy. You're making an appeal to the stick!

Moderator: Jogging riot!

Brock: It's either the Dwarves or the Trees!

Maple: False dichotomy.

Moderator: Jazzercising Riot!

Maple: The moderator is just making stuff up.

Moderator: I LIKE PONIES!

Pine: Non Sequoia-ter.

Moderator: I'm not a contestant!

Pine: Oh, right.

Brock: Trees are a menace to society! All my allies agree with me!

Mahogany: Argumentum ad "poplar"um.

Moderator turns and faces audience. Battle rages in the background.

Moderator: And so, this nonsense continued for quite some time with nobody really getting anywhere, much like this skit.

Brock became tired, thirsty, bored, and depressed all at the same time. He went to the local tavern, ordered a super-size big gulp tankard of Mountain Dew, and was never seen from again.

Maple became a commercial success, selling millions of copies and becoming a national standard at universities all over the world.

Pine went on to lead a successful coalition of squirrels against the legions of ants, and Mahogany lived happily ever after as a ludicrously expensive chest of drawers.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank oxygen, gravity, normal force, quantum dynamics, and my mother for making this all possible.

And now, for something completely different.